Finding Balance Along the Way

Things have been very rough in my home this past week. The eclipse at the beginning of the month started it off and as we made our way towards the equinox and the full moon the energy at home grew more intense. As the darkness that had been hidden came to light to be released, the boys and I all experienced the limits of our emotions: tantrums, anxiety attacks, depression, countless tears.

At some times I felt like I might never make it out of this energetic birthing canal alive. Thankfully with today's lunar eclipse energy I was able to see clearly again.

When I am having a hard time I go inward for clarity. Today was no different. Today I used a technique that I like to use from time to time, and that's to view a different perspective from myself at a different age. Today I went back to my self when I was pregnant with my second son.

I see my pregnant 36 year old self. She is worried.

"I love this first child so much!" she says. "He has become my all. How is it possible to have room in my heart for two?"

I feel her pain. It has been a long struggle of feeling and finding balance within, for myself as well as the boys. My 45 year old self comes in to join the conversation. She looks haggard, with bags under her eyes. She looks tired and sad.

"It has been 10 years since the birth of the second child and I have been put through the ringer," she tells us." One child will have a problem and when that is fixed the other will have a problem. And the cycle continues. There is no time to enjoy either one to the fullest - and I have had to push all my own problems and desires so far down I don't even know what they are anymore."

The 36 year old's frown deepens. "So it is helpless?"

I take a deep breath so I can share my new perspective with them. "No, it is not hopeless. In fact, the future looks pretty bright. But you have to do something. Let this new child into your heart immediately, right now, without fear. Cherish the time you have with your firstborn but don't think that it will end when the new baby comes. It won't be the same - it will be different for sure - but it will be more. You will have more love to give, not less. You will have more lessons to learn, from two perspectives instead of one.

It will not always be easy to strike a balance and keep everyone's needs met, but always try to meet the needs that matter most. So the dishes are dirty but your little one wants to play with you. Always make time for play. The dishes will always be there. Their feelings won't be hurt if you ignore them.

Don't ever let your children think that your daily duties around the house are more important than they are. When they ask you to lie with them before bedtime or tuck them in, do it, no matter what. This shows them they are important and matter."

"But what about me? Don't I matter?" says the 45 year old self.

"You absolutely matter and that's why it is important to schedule time for yourself so you can make your needs met. But sometimes you have to make a sacrifice for the greater good. That book may really be calling you and you may be super exhausted and want to go to bed too, but that one last show of love before they go to sleep can truly make all the difference. That they can go to sleep all tucked in and knowing that they are loved and safe will make for great teens and great adults. That's the whole purpose behind being a parent, right? To nurture and raise loving children that turn into great human beings."

"Sometimes in the drudgery of it all (cooking, cleaning, laundry, driving, rinse, repeat) I forget what the big picture looks like."

"And as for having enough love in your heart for both children, I want to show you what the true capacity of your heart is. Place your hands over your heart and feel into what you think your love looks and feels like."

I see the 45 year old's heart as she projects it to me. There is clearly an imbalance of love there, most goes to the first child, then her second, and two tiny slivers are reserved for herself and her husband.

She starts to cry. "This child is just so difficult and he triggers my anger. He can take care of himself while the other one seems to need me more."

"But this is not true is it?" I ask gently.

"No," she weeps.

"In fact, doesn't the second one need you just as much and sometimes more because of his independence?"

She nods.

"But you don't truly feel that you can give to both at the same time. I'm here to tell you that you can. Open up your heart and look into it and tell me what you see."

Both women give a little gasp.

"It's so bright in here! I can see forever!"

"Do you see any walls dividing your love into compartments?" I ask.

"No, it is just one big reverberating space."

"That is your heart. That is your capacity for love. Now, look further. Do you see the source of this love?"

We look at cords that are connected to our hearts and to a giant ball of energy in space. I continue.

"You are connected to the love from the Creator/God/Source, who is everlasting and omnipresient, and that means that your well of love can never run dry.  It feeds you with love as you feed and fill your children with love. God has no favorites - we are all a recipient of love if we choose. Some of us may have a harder time receiving or giving that love but it is always there for us to drink.

Rely on the energy and love of the Creator to fill you up, not the deeds or misdeeds of your family. It is your own love that makes you worthy, don't you see? That when you allow unconditional love to overflow from your heart and on to your family, without any selfish needs for love in return, then you will have the balance you seek.

So let go of any perceived notions or perceptions that you aren't getting as much love as you need, or that there must be a kink in your cord, because you get what you allow.  That well of love is always there for you. Drink it in everyday so you will always have more than enough. There is no lack. There is only the allowing of lack. It is your own perception."

A rush of white light extends over us and I see our heart cords being cleansed and cleared of any blocks or negativity. The love from the Source begins to flow freely now.

I look at both my selves. The 36 year old basks in the glow of her pregnancy. I can see the heartbeat of the child in her womb and see how he is connected both to her heart and to the love of the Creator. The 46 year old's color has returned and the bags under her eyes are gone. She no longer looks haggard, but beautiful and radiant with light.

I hug my selves. They disappear back into me with a whisper of thanks, for we know that this is a turning point in my/our lives, that we are all healed and can now move forward with love.