Growing Pains

There's something going on with Michael. He's an emotional mess. Perhaps he's going through a growth spurt and maybe that's making him so crabby and tired, but I think there's more to it. There usually is.

Michael's been moping around with this sour look on his face for about a month now. He only seems to be happy when he's left alone to play with his Legos or read, or when he's playing with friends. When I ask him to do something like set the table or clean his room my requests are met with defiance or whining. Life with Michael has become a series of small battles and my patience is thinning, my frustration level is high, and I am sad because Michael and I are out of sorts with each other. 

Over the last year or so Jeff and I have increased Michael's duties around the house and assigned him chores. We feel that it will instill in him a sense of responsibility, help him understand limits and consequences, and help him feel like part of the family. At first he was excited about helping out, but as time went on he discovered that these chores interfered with his time to have fun. Now he's turned into a constant whiner.

Michael won't say what's wrong and he probably doesn't know why he is acting so poorly, but after much thinking on the issue, I think I have figured out the problem: Michael is stuck at a crossroad - independence vs. dependance. He wants to grow up and experience/do more, yet he doesn't want to let go of being a child. I can feel his yearning to need me less and less and do more things for himself, but at the same time I feel his reluctance to let go of being a little boy.

He's not alone. "Eight-year-olds will be proud of the fact that they are able to do many things on their own and will increasingly express a desire for privacy," says Michael Thompson, author of Raising and Understanding Boys. He adds, "At the same time, 8-year-old children will still need and want guidance and support from their parents."

This is so true. I remember when Michael was an infant, so tiny and small. I was responsible for fulfilling his every need - to feed him, to change his diaper, to put him to sleep, and to love him unconditionally. As he grew older, I was able to slowly give him more responsibility for these needs. First it was getting dressed - I remember the joy on his face when he mastered buttoning and zipping. Then came putting on his own shoes and socks, brushing his own teeth, reading his own bedtime stories, etc. Now that he's almost 9, he still needs me but in different ways: can you please find my library books, where is my cub scout shirt, can you make me a snack? 

Michael's need for privacy has certainly increased in the last year. He spends hours in his room reading or playing with Legos. And his social network has shifted as well - now his friends are beginning to be more important than his parents. (I knew this day was coming but I wasn't expecting it so soon.)

Michael has a best friend this year, a boy that lives on the far end of our neighborhood (meaning that our houses are not within easy walking distance). He always wants to play with him, like he can't seem to get enough of this boy. When he can't play, Michael gets really upset. 

I know this is not just happening in our house. According to Scholastic.com, friendships take on a greater importance in 3rd grade. An article on the site says that "between the ages of 8 and 9, children start acquiring new emotional and cognitive skills and see their peers in a different light. Child development experts agree that close friendships can be good for children for a number of reasons. They can provide shelter and protection from traumatic childhood experiences, teasing and rejection among them."

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by Michael's behavior for he is very much like me as a child. I remember when I was in third grade. My best friend and I wanted to play every day after school. Most days I think we did. However, back then we had more free time and less scheduling. We did all our work at school and there was no assigned homework. Neither of us participated in any sports.The only activities I had was girl scouts and piano lessons. Both of these were right after school.

I've tried really hard to avoid over-scheduling my boys. We're very relaxed people and all need our down time. Up until this year Michael was only in one activity at a time. This year, however, he wanted to be in karate so we signed him up and he loves it. But, it comes with a price: it adds two more days to the schedule. Now we have karate two nights a week and scouts one night. Add homework into the mix and you've got a full schedule.

Now I get it. Michael's in transition. He's trying to figure himself out and how this new self relates to the environment around him. Throw in a few too many activities, not enough free time, and a mom who is on his case all the time and it's no wonder that he's a ticking time bomb!

I do admit I'm a little sad because my little boy is growing up. I know this is only the beginning - as he grows older he will try out even more emotions on me because I am his mother and mothers can weather emotional storms like no other (but believe me is it ever trying!!).

Thompson says, "Boys pretend that they don't need their mothers because it makes them feel more grown up and strong. That doesn't fool anyone and it shouldn't fool you. He needs you more than he can ever say. He needs you to hold him when he collapses and cries, even if he can't tell you why he is so frustrated and mad." Hear, hear, I say!!!

I guess I should cut Michael a little slack as he goes through these growing pains. Can I be more understanding of his needs? Sure. Can I cut down on the nagging? Of course. Will I still see red when he constantly whines? Absolutely, but I know it won't last.

Most importantly, though, will I love him unconditionally? Forever!