Chapters

It's time for my annual end-of-the-school-year post.

I have been avoiding writing this post. It's true. It's not just that my oldest is going into high school next year, but Nick is ending his elementary years and heading to middle school. Two major endings and two major beginnings. The utter emotional impact of this week is huge.

Years ago I knew this week would be coming and yet preparing for it has been brutal. Besides buying stock in waterproof mascara I honestly don't know how I am going to survive the last two days of school. Because both boys are completing their last years in their respective schools there is double the celebration. We have the 5th grade picnic, 8th grade picnic, 8th grade awards, 5th grade awards, 8th grade party, 5th grade clap-out, and 8th grade clap out, several of which are at the same time. Since I can't be in two places at once I am going to have to make sure I even out my time spent for each kid or I'll be accused of playing favorites!

I'm happy for the boys as they move forward because I know they are ready for that next step. They are both excited to meet new friends and be challenged (finally!!). But because I'm a mom I know these next few years are going to fly. Before I blink we'll be looking at colleges. I'm definitely not ready for that.

It seems like just yesterday Michael was starting kindergarten. That cute little boy with the blond bowl cut now has braces and is just a hair shorter than I! At 14, he swears occasionally and tells his brother inappropriate things. Yet, he still likes his Legos and is still obsessed with Star Wars. He's not into girls (he says) and is still a very gentle, kind-hearted soul who truly cares about others.

Nick has grown a lot too. Wasn't it last week that he was crying on the playground in kindergarten

because he missed his mom and because the 4th graders at recess were giants? Now he's the one who is giant! There are no more tears when he gets on the bus and I know he doesn't think about me at school either. He has found his niche as trendsetter and has made some pretty good friends.

I am in a much better place than I was when I wrote this post about Michael starting middle school, or this post about Nick's first few weeks of kindergarten. I am confident that my kids are going to be ok in their new schools. Heck, I'm even looking forward to it.

The wise words I once wrote to Michael are now coming back to me. This is only the end of a chapter; in September we will start a new one. There are many chapters to the books of Michael and Nick, and I look forward to all of them.

This poem is dedicated to my boys and their friends and also to all the moms who are ending chapters with me.

Precious Kid

Graduation

Is it possible?

Just yesterday I was marveling,

Tiny fingers and toes

Smiles and coos

Bright eyes.

Now I admire

Heart to hearts

Genius thinking

Bright eyes.

Oh the places you’ll go

Based on the places you’ve been.

I can see the gears turning

So much learning.

School skills

Math, English, History, Science

Life skills

Cooperation, Responsibility, Honor, Passion.

Inside

The same heart beats

Now larger

Filled.

And yet…

Every experience, dream, wish

Expands it a little more.

Advice:

Go for your goals

Reach a little higher

Love without limits

Live life like nobody’s watching.

Always know that I am.

A Celebration of Mothers

This post is dedicated to all the mothers out there, to all those who have mothers, and to all those whose mothers have departed from this world and are waiting in the next one.

I think one of the scariest things in the world is to know that your mom can leave this world before you do. A mom knows you better than anyone else - she has known and loved you nine months longer than anyone else. From her you are grown - she is your connection to this world.

Not only is a mom a receptacle of unconditional love but she holds all the important information about you - the dates and times of all your firsts, your best friend's name in preschool, what you wanted to be when you grew up, all the minutia in the encyclopedia of your life that you cannot remember, but she does.

Our moms have the perspective of experience and wisdom and if we are lucky they will share it with us. Mom's greatest job is to be your first teacher, showing you how to be a part of the world - what is safe and what is not, how to be a true friend, how to heal a broken heart, how to care for and have empathy for others.

A mom is our white light, protecting us from harm, always watching over us like the guardian angels that they are. I never really understood this until I became a mother, for how can you possibly know the well of unconditional love that exists inside until you birth the amazing being that you created with that love?


Something else I didn't truly understand or even know about before I became a mom is how acutely mothers feel the power of loss, even at celebratory moments. We fully understand the circle of life in our children's lives - all the firsts are a celebration of independence for the child but each first is another step out that door away from us.

No one tells you how hard that part of being a mom can be - how difficult it is to weather the challenges of raising and protecting your children only to let them out into the world and hope they return. I have boys and I've always feared that because they are boys, once they cross that threshold they won't need me anymore. So I have held on tightly to them, probably tighter than I needed to. I realize this now, and wouldn't you know it was my mom who pointed it out to me. So even though I've learned that one of the tenets of motherhood is to love and let go, when that letting go is final it is scary and sad and heart-wrenching.

We almost lost my mom this past year and the shock and trauma is still wearing off. Losing your mom is not something you like to think about, but when she entered the ICU it was almost all we could think about. My mom is the rock of our family and she drew family and friends to her like moths to a flame - visitors, well-wishers, prayers on Facebook. No one could bear the thought of losing her.

I put everything in my life aside and reversed our roles to care for her in the hospital. It was a long, emotional, and, in the end miraculous, 15 days but she pulled through. During her stay in the hospital I finally understood what she went through just six months earlier when her own mom was in the hospital. She and her sister dropped everything to care for their mom. Unfortunately, my grandma did not pull through. At the time, although I was sad and grieved the loss of my grandma, I did not understand the true depths of grief that my mom and aunt were experiencing.

But I do now.

The circle of life - love, birth, life, death, loss, love, birth - is inherent and true in every part of our lives. From the spring that blooms after every grey and cold winter, we are shown, if we have eyes to see, that even though it may be tempting to get stuck in the loss, there is always new growth after the darkness. 

This growth for me is the new relationship I have with my mom, for I see her with new eyes. This last year has been tough for my family but we made it through and we are now surrounded by the shoots of green that accompany a new season, a rebirth.

As mothers we are the ultimate givers - we sacrifice our wants and needs and sometimes even our lives so our children can have a good life and can succeed. We do this unconditionally, without giving it a second thought. It is inherent in our DNA to be caring and kind and nurturing. But as we grow in years we often grow weary of this capacity for love that may or may not be returned. Sometimes all we want is for our children to see us and celebrate us for who we are and not for what we give them.

When this happens perhaps we just need a different perspective. Give yourself a gift and celebrate yourself for the very important contribution you are making to this world. Carve some time, sit quietly and picture your mother self - the one who gives selflessly to others. Turn her around so she is facing you and let her shine her greatness upon you. Let her pour all of the love and caring and kindness she usually gives to the world into you. Soak in it, marinate in it, let it energize, heal, or give you whatever you need. If you are worn, let it fill you up until you can be that beacon of love once again. 

Today as the world celebrates mothers I celebrate all moms too. I may not know your particular pain or struggle but as a mother, I understand you. I am here for you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! We are in this together and must support one another. And so I say from one mom to another and especially to my own mother -

Happy Mother's Day!
I see you!
I support you!
I love you!
Thank you!

My mom and I

Be kind to yourself.

Love yourself.
                                    
You are doing a great job!