Tales of a 3rd grade bullee*

*Bullee - One who is bullied

It is happening. One of my worst school fears. Michael is getting bullied.

Two days ago he came home from school and told me that some kids at school were teasing him during lunch.

"They were saying that I "liked" R," he said. "You know, like love kind of like." R is his best friend.

"They made me so mad that I started crying," he added.

I asked him if anyone around him did anything.

"U went and told the lunch lady. She told the kids that what they were doing is bullying and that she could take them to the principal's office. That made them stop."

I told him that I was very glad that someone stuck up for him and that I was glad that the lunch lady addressed the problem. Then we discussed ways to handle the situation if it happens again.

Fast forward two days to this morning. During breakfast Michael tells me that yesterday R was the object of the teasing. Same kid, different day.

"Well, did you stand up for him like U did for you?" I ask.

"No, but I will next time," Michael replies. I try not to lecture but I tell him that this is very important, not only to stand up for himself but for others who are being bullied. I know he's heard this before: at school, at karate, and from Jeff and I.

Then Michael adds a little more information. "Mom, they tease R and I all the time about being best friends. They sing 'Michael and R sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G."

I ask him who everyone is. He, of course, can't remember at first, but then he gives up a name. I know this kid. I know that he's bright and funny, yet is hyper and in 3rd grade already has the label of "troublemaker".

Jeff, who is home sick, jumps in and suggests that Michael diffuse the situation with kindness if it happens again. "Maybe he's jealous because you have a friend and he doesn't," says Jeff. "Next time ask him if he wants to play with you and R. Maybe that's all he needs."

Michael mulls this over. He thinks it's a good idea and says he will try it out. I wonder if he actually will. I think he suffers from the same disease that I do, which is that when faced with a conflict our words are eclipsed by our emotions and we fail to stick up for ourselves.

You see, I know where Michael is coming from. I too had a best friend in 3rd grade. Girls who were jealous of that friendship tried to bring me down by teasing. You know what? It worked.

I don't think I told anyone about the teasing, certainly not my parents. The fact of the matter is that I was afraid to speak up and I didn't know how to stick up for myself. As a result, the barrage of teasing and insults kept coming. Pretty soon my self-esteem was zero, and it remained that way for almost 20 years, extending way beyond childhood and into my adult years.

I don't want to see my kids go through what I had to go through as a child. No one should have to suffer teasing and bullying. It's effects can be life-altering and last a lifetime.

One of the most important things we can teach our children is how to stand up for themselves and to respect themselves and others. I am thankful that the schools are beginning to teach this in school. In fact, Michael's class was talked to about verbal bullying just a few weeks ago. What to do if you're bullied is becoming part of the kids' consciousness.

I am thrilled that Michael confided in me about this situation. I've heard many stories about "mean girls" in elementary school and have asked Michael many times if he ever witnessed or experienced bullying at school. Until this week he had always said that he hadn't.

It's always good to have an open line of communication with our children but I think it's especially important to do so now. Bullying has got to stop. Kids have got to know that words can do as much, if not more, damage as punches or kicks.

So I'm going to keep on the situation, being a nosy mom and asking questions until I'm blue in the face. Maybe instead of movie night or game night we'll initiate bully night at home and provide a pretend environment where the kids can run through different situations and practice what they would say to a bully.

I e-mailed Michael's teacher this morning to let her know of the situation. I told her that while I was hoping that Michael would handle the problem on his own I felt it was important for her to know what was going on. She responded that she would address the issue because "teasing is not tolerated and we will make sure it stops." Hurray!!!

I am mother. Hear me roar!!

Have you or your kids ever experienced bullying? How did you handle it? How did your kids handle it? I'd love to hear your stories!!!