The End of the Innocence

My baby starts Kindergarten in 6 days. Six days, 9 hours, and fifty minutes to be exact. I'm excited, happy, terrified, and sad. I'm excited because this is going to open up a whole new world for him - of learning, experiences, and friends. I'm terrified because this is going to open up a whole new world for him and slowly pull him away from me and the secure arena that he and I have spent 5 years playing, learning, and loving in.

Seems like just yesterday we brought him home from the hospital all shiny and new, so innocent and trusting. We were ready for this trip into parenthood, but we didn't know what was in store or just how much our son would change our lives. So much has happened in this short 5 years. I remember the evolution of his being and all his monumental firsts: first smile, first laugh, first tooth, first time he rolled over, first time he crawled, first solid food, first tooth, first step, first word (duck), when he became a big brother, first pee pee and poop in the potty, first day at preschool, first time he wrote his name, and just recently the first time he rode a bike without training wheels.

As we enter the school age years I'm going to be trading in some of those firsts for new ones: first lost tooth for first new tooth, first girlfriend for first time he said "I love you" to me, first lunch at school for first solid food, first bus ride to school for first car ride, first sleepover at a friend's house for first night he spent away from home (at Grandma's), first time he reads a book for first word.

When my husband and I went to the Kindergarten Open House this past March, I teared up as we walked down the hall to what will be his classroom. It wasn't just the fact that my little guy was going to be going to school, it was that to me this was the end of a very innocent chapter in our lives and the opening of an unknown book. I was lucky enough to be able to stay home with him as he morphed from an infant to a toddler to a preschooler. I liked being there to experience new things with him and see him grow and learn. I find that I am saddened that I won't be there to experience his excitement as he reads a sentence for the first time or makes a new friend.

I feel a lurch in my heart when I think of my son being entrusted to another. For the first time in his life he will be totally out of my control and in someone else's hands for 2-3 days a week. Who will make sure he eats a good lunch so he has energy for the day (and a good lunch doesn't just mean eating the dessert!)? Who will tell him not to use his shirt for a napkin or to keep his finger out of his nose? Who will remind him to go to the bathroom? How will he survive a whole day without me? Will he miss me as much as I'll miss him?

And how will he react to new situations when I'm not around? What if he's bullied by a big kid? What if (God forbid) someone picks a fight with him? We have no experience with these kinds of things and why should we - he's only 5 for crying out loud! And what about all the stuff that he's bound to pick up from the other kids who are older or have older siblings?

I shouldn't worry, I know. I have taught my son about manners and family values and how to be a good friend. He really is a good kid (he brought his teacher a bouquet of "homepicked" wildflowers on meet the teacher day - his idea). He's smart and I know that he will do ok. We will survive.

What it boils down to is that I don't want my son to grow up too fast, not yet, not yet!! I remember when he was little - I couldn't wait for him to eat solid food or crawl or walk or be out of diapers or hit any one of his many milestones that signified growing up. Many times we would be out in public and an older mom or dad would smile upon us and tell us to enjoy him when he was young because he would be grown up before we knew it. And we would smile back at them and think that we had all the time in the world. But now he's starting school, which is to me, the spring board for the rest of his life. From here on out our lives will be organized according to the school schedule - holidays, vacations, even what time we get up in the morning.

I guess you could call my musings toddleresque, for I realize I am being selfish. I have had 5 years of my son all to myself and now I have to share and I don't want to. But share I must for I am not cut out for homeschooling. I just hope this person that gets to take over for me on a temporary basis, his teacher, gets to really know and understand my son like I do. It would ease my heart if perhaps she could even love him a little. Or a lot. Like I do.